Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Twinkle, twinkle, little, uh...

At Target the other day, I passed a shelf of Always Radiant Maxi Pads.

Which gave me pause. Radiant. Maxi pads. Radiant.

Radiant is a word I would use for makeup. Radiant eye shadow! Radiant nail polish! Shampoo! Toothpaste! Radiance is sparkle, glow; it is light projected.

Radiant! works nicely for cosmetics in general, I think.

"You look radiant!" This is something people say to beaming brides. To their faces. Not their vaginas.

Because radiance in your pants?

I imagine radiant maxi pads being covered with glitter. Which sounds itchy. And sketchy.

I mean, you know how when you wear glitter, it gets everywhere, into weird little nooks and crannies, and never goes away? For years and years you find little glitter bits in upholstery, carpets, clothing you've washed repeatedly. Seriously, for years.

So Radiant Maxi Pads. Here's what I picture:

When wearing them, you'd walk down the hall at work, leaving a discreet trail of glitter.

Every time you sat down, you'd leave your sparkly mark.

Your butt would be very subtly shiny. Dare I say radiant?

The gynecologist, at your annual exam, would notice something odd, and then be all, "I've never actually seen glitter on someone's cervix before. I don't want to pry, but..."


  1. Ahahahahaha! This is the best commentary on maxi pads that I have ever read.

    1. Thank you! You know, now that I think about it, I don't know that I've ever read another commentary on maxi pads...

  2. I have this underwear with sparkly little glittery like iron on polka dot decal things. I routinely will find a little gold glitter dot on my thigh DAYS after I've worn them. Even worse...I found one on Eric' last week...transferred obviously during a "close" moment. LOL. So yeah, I get this.

    1. Ah! So you know exactly what I am talking about! In actual real life!

  3. Only a man would market maxi pads as radiant!

    I like sparkle but loathe glitter for its mysterious appear-out-of-no-where-years-later property which you describe here. Glitter has infiltrated my home in the form of greeting cards. I love cards from friends and loved ones so I'm willing to deal with finding glitter in my hair 6 months after handling a card sprinkled with glitter.

    1. I think you are exactly right. And you make me laugh! Infiltrated your home! I love glitter but it is incredibly annoying how insidious it is.

  4. Advertising is insane. I imagine a woman walking around with like, a pretty spotlight shining out of her vag.

  5. Glitter is referred to as the herpes of craft supplies for a reason!

  6. Wasn't Jennifer Love Hewitt famous for vajazzling? As in bedazzling down there with glueable rhinestoney things?

    Hey, I couldn't make this stuff up.


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